My Brother Is Dead

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 69

My brother died yesterday. Two months from the date of diagnosis.

At 61 he had a full rich life, was active and successful, loved by his wife and children and certainly by me, his sister.

After a few weeks of modest backache he was diagnosed October 15 with Stage 4 pancreatic & liver cancer.

Eight weeks later, December 15, he is dead.

Geoff was never a candidate for surgery; the chemo didn't help in any way. Right from the start he knew he was in for months of torment and it proved terribly true, especially the last week.

I talked to him every day on the phone since October, twice a day since our wonderful family reunion Thanksgiving, saying goodbye each and every time for I never knew whether it might be the last time we spoke.

I spoke with him last on Thursday night and told him I would be leaving the next morning to be with him as things didn't look so good. He was dead before I arrived. So now I have driven 1,000 miles to sing hymns and say prayers in a strange church and try to be the rock for his wife and children to lean on. I hope I can help them in their sadness.

The funeral home allowed me to visit him today before cremation. I hoped it was a mistake and that perhaps some other guy was dead and not my brother, but no. I gave him one last kiss and held him as close I could but my heat did not warm his body.

Today I am weeping bitter tears. I am beyond sad. I am just awash with grief at what was, is no longer and can never be again for this wonderful man, a decent fun-filled brother who loved to fish and mow his grass and eat.

Thanks for all your words of kindness these two short months. Your writings were real, genuine and helped me to understand that there was really never any hope beyond a rare miracle. And for those who are new to this board and have loved ones with this horrible disease, I offer this counsel: love them, cuddle them, sing to them, laugh with them and pray for them. There is nothing else.

roses4evver · Regular Joined: 16 Dec 2006 Posts: 30

[i][b]Dear Big Sister,

I have (like you did) found this forum just last night. I first need to say how truly deeply sorry I am that your brother is no longer with you & your family. But with everything he endured, I know he is in a better place now. I have cried while reading your posts and had heartfelt saddness for what you are & have gone through.

On Dec 15th my husband was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer that had metastized to the liver. He had a CT of the abdomen done Dec 15th. He has stage 4. My husband was told 6 months to live. My husband is 59 & I'm 45 and certainly not prepared to be a widow yet by any means.

My husband had flu like symptoms starting on about Oct 22/06. You know....tiredness, mild lt side abdo pain, kinda achy all over & loss of appetite. I believe he first went to a Dr about 3 wks later (aprox Nov 10) & was sent home saying it was the flu. By Nov 30th my husband went to the Dr 2 more times for the same symptoms except more intensity, pain all the time, loss of appetite, unable to sleep at night for long (severe pain when he lays down or eats anything), pain and a 40 pound weight loss in 4 wks.

Dec 13th he had a EGD of stomach and 6 am on the 15th he had a CT of his abdomen. He was told it was basically negative except for extra lg folds in the stomach. We have not even had a chance to see a Oncology Dr since we just found out this HORRIBLE news Fri afternoon Dec 15th. My husband has been EXTREMELY sick since shortly before the end of Nov.

He was 278 pounds and is now 230 pounds, almost nearly 50 pound weight loss. He has a very bloated distended abdo despite the weight loss, eats only a very small fistfull of food a day, extremely weak & exhausted, short of breath, in severre pain. The Vicodine that he is taking is like candy & does no good. We will see the Dr tomorrow who did that EGD scope & he said he would give my husband something much stronger than Vicodine. I'm sure we will then see an Oncology Dr. But they are now talking about doing a lap scope to see if the cancer had spread to his stomach. He has gone down hill drastically in the last 10 days or so & I feel like he doesn't have much time left. His eyes are sunken in and he becomes confused & he had hard knots on parts of his legs that hurt him a lot. I believe this is due to the lympth system being comprimised. He is sitting or walking around VERY slowly & excruciating pain radiating from his eyes & face. Which the Dr told us he suspects cancer in other areas like lympth nodes & blood & maybe stomach.

My worst fear is my husband will loose the fight in just a few short weeks.

You have experienced a lot of grief, pain & sorrow and also gained knowlege from your experience so I was wondering if you could answer a few questions for me please?

Is there a stage 5???

Dis your brother receive hospice services?

Do you think my husband most likely has less than 1 month left since all those weeks passed by since first symptoms arose?

Do you have any advise or anything at all that you could add?

Sorry for such a long post
I wish you many blessings to come![/b][/i]

roses4evver · Regular Joined: 16 Dec 2006 Posts: 30

[i][b]Big sister or anyone,

I just needed to add this info.

I may be wrong with saying my husband is stage 4 cancer because a Dr has not given a stage yet. I have access to information that 2 Radiologists told me in regards to reading the images. As much as 20-25 % of my husbands liver is effected (as of the 15th) as well as the tail of the pancreas & the stomach, blood & lympth system is unkown at this time. He said we'd be lucky if my husband had 6 mo left.

I understand that stage 5 depends on how much the liver is affected. So my husband could be there now.

God I need answers....my husband is suffering so much!!! Can anyone tell me what they know?

Thank you[/b][/i]

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 69

Hello --

First, let me say that I am so very sorry for you and your husband. News like this is hard to take at any time of one's life but, especially, I think, at the holidays.

You asked certain questions and I will try my best to answer them. Remember, please, that I am not an expert, not a doctor, just a sister who has access to Internet information and know other people who have dealt with this illness.

You asked the following:

[u]Is there a stage 5??? [/u]

If there is a stage 5, I don't know of it. All the literature and information I have read say nothing about Stage 5. Stage 4 pancreatic cancer means that the disease is far advanced and has metasasized to the liver and beyond. Sometimes the small bowel is impacted, as was the case with my brother; sometimes it has already spread to the lymph nodes.

You can hope that your husband's disease is confined to the pancreas only and that surgery is an option. A surgical procedure, called Whipple surgery, removes part of the pancreas and the tumor. People who have had the Whipple procedure write on this forum and for them hope comes with the surgery. Read the other postings and you will find those who have had the operation. The tenor Luciano Pavarotti had a Whipple in August. He is still alive.

[u]
Did your brother receive hospice services? [/u]

Yes. Hospice was receommended one month after diagnosis. Hospice provides wonderful home care and helps the family cope much better. Hospice, however, is not called in until doctors are fairly certain that there can be no recovery. Their work is palliative only and intends to keep patients comfortable. That means pain killers, anti-anxiety meds, laxatives, etc. Hospice begins with Vicodin usually but can provide stronger and stronger pain killers as the disease accelerates.

My brother was very distraught with the news that Hospice had taken his case since we had recently buried our mother and she received Hospice services at the end of her life. My brother knew then that he was in deep trouble.

[u]Do you think my husband most likely has less than 1 month left since all those weeks passed by since first symptoms arose? [/u]

I cannot say how long your husband has. Each case is different, but it's a horrid disease that moves fast.

In October, when he was diagnosed, my brother was given six months. I didn't see it. I was certain we wouldn't have him at Christmas. I hated to be right.

Like your husband's, Geoff's weight loss was fast and unrelenting; his inability to eat or keep food down scared him. Because of the liver involvement his pallor was deep yellow for the full last month of his life. He had multiple stents inserted to drain the bile but they didn't or couldn't do the job. There were many other "annoyances" since his diagnosis, things we joked about because we could do nothing else. Itching, hiccups, yellow eyes (kids called him "Banana Man.").

If you are wise, try to get past the horror of your husband's illness and take the steps you need to to insure your life without him is as comfortable as possibble. Make sure you have power of attorney for now, get a Living Will and a Health Care Proxy so you can make the decisions for him that you really don't want to make but will have to.

Make sure you know what he wants done after his death and whether he wants to be buried or cremated. With cremation you can wait to determine where his remains will be placed. If cremation isn't a good choice for you and him, plan ahead so that you have a burial place and a funeral home standing by. Bring in a clergy person so that someone can help with the big questions you both will have. Know where his insurance policies are and that the agents are notified.

Make certain his will is up to date. With power of attorney you have the power to do this for him. Your power ends after his death.

[u]Do you have any advise or anything at all that you could add? [/u]

I know that you're in shock with the horror of all this but move quickly now that you have the time. His pain may paralyze you because it's so very hard to stand by and watch a loved one in agony. Hospice and medication will help with this. Ask friends and relatives to stay with him while you do the above things I recommended. You simply MUST make hard plans for your own landings. He can help you now but soon may not be able to.

Finally, I know that others in your family may not want these harsh realities mentioned since no one knows for sure what the future holds and you may be seen as cold and business-like. My brother's children were in denial until the moment he breathed his last. Still, unless there is a miracle, it sounds like your husband's time is limited. Take a deep breath and do what you need to do. It is not hard-hearted, it is reality.

Perhaps others who have gone through this and who participate on this forum can add things here but I don't think the end of the story will change much. My heart goes out to you and I truly feel your pain. No one knows why these things happen, no one knows when it's our time. As humans, however, we know we are finite beings and that when our time comes someone will have to pick up our pieces. Love your husband, read to him, sing to him, insist that the medical providers keep him comfortable. Do it now while there is time.

Regards and God bless you, Pat

Vismund · Regular Joined: 19 Jun 2006 Posts: 12

[quote="roses4evver"][i][b]Big sister or anyone,

I just needed to add this info.

I may be wrong with saying my husband is stage 4 cancer because a Dr has not given a stage yet. I have access to information that 2 Radiologists told me in regards to reading the images. As much as 20-25 % of my husbands liver is effected (as of the 15th) as well as the tail of the pancreas & the stomach, blood & lympth system is unkown at this time. He said we'd be lucky if my husband had 6 mo left.

I understand that stage 5 depends on how much the liver is affected. So my husband could be there now.

God I need answers....my husband is suffering so much!!! Can anyone tell me what they know?

Thank you[/b][/i][/quote]

You can find some info regarding different stages on this webb page: http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/default.asp?page=3111

Good luck

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi Big Sister,

Just wanted to express my sincere sympathies on the loss of your brother. This is certainly a cruel disease, isn't it? If you're not a candidate for surgery, it's basically just a waiting game. Chemo didn't help my mom either. It certainly sad to see the very few that do survive from this type of cancer. I wish it was the other way around that more people survive than die from it.

Eternal rest grant unto your brother and may perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in eternal peace.

God bless those who are left behind....take care.

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 69

Thank you very much for your beautiful benediction. He agonized so severely the last three days of his life I pray he enjoys the resurrection he believed in.

And, yes -- I so hope we survivors find peace.

reenie · Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 10:48 pm Post subject: Re: My Brother Is Dead

Hi Pat, So very sorry to hear about your brother. I so enjoyed the description of your Thanksgiving celebration-and the good news you were able to share when he seemed to be having a bit of a rally. Your love for your brother came across in your writing to strangers, I am certain Geoff was well aware of it also. Take care, Reenie

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 69

Reenie --

Thanks. We are still in the throes of preparing for the funeral. My sons and their families arrive tomorrow (Wednesday). I have been here since last Friday, the day Geoff died.

Your story also touched me deeply and I'm sure it has great meaning for those who follow us. The love for a brother can never match love for a life partner, still you have shown us that life goes on despite Sam's passing.

We are talking a lot about the good times, the healthy times, the happy times. When my sons come tomorrow, I'm afraid we'll have to go through it all again and then the next day at the funeral. By the time we've cried our hearts out it'll be time to turn the corner.

I worry about those who are just now hearing the news.

Take care yourself, Reenie. You are a brave woman. Have a good holiday with your children and a happier New Year.

Pat

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