MontrealMommy
New User
Joined: 16 Sep 2009
Posts: 2
Location: Montreal, qc, ca
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 Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:52 am Post subject: Don't know how to deal with this |
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| I went into the hospital last week for what seemed to be an appendicitis. The operated by laparoscopy, and the next morning, when I thought the surgeon was coming to tell me if my appendix had burst or not, she announced that it wasn't an appendicitis, but a cancer. She thinks it's coming from my ovary(ies). I just don't know how to deal with all this. I have 2 young children, who are 20 months old and 4.5 years old. Some moments I'm in complete denial that I could die of this (like right now), and other moments I get so scared of not seeing my children grow up that I can barely breathe. How do you cope? How do you keep going???? If I don't make it 5 years, I won't even get to see my baby start school!!!!!!! How worse can it get from there? Any positive stories? Anyone else out there in the same situation? How do you keep caring for your kids when you're in the middle of chemo? How do you explain to a 4 year old about losing your hair? About going to the hospital all the time? About being sick all the time? How do you go on each day, always telling a baby that no, Mommy's not strong enough to take you in her arms today? How do you deal with a husband 'destroyed' by the news? Sorry, I just can't see how I'll be able to do all these things... |
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Melinda
New User
Joined: 10 Sep 2009
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 6:46 am Post subject: Re: Don't know how to deal with this |
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Hi Montreal Mommy,
I was saddened by your post. I wish I had something magical to say to help you.
I will share that I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in June. I had a cyst on my right ovary, which they thought was likely benign, but being cautious, my gynecologist had an oncologist do the surgery. I opted for a total abdominal hysterectomy & ovaries because I never wanted to go through the fear again. The oncologist came to me after the surgery and told me that there was "no cancer, my cyst was benign, everything looked great, and not to worry." Four days later he called, profusely and sincerely apologetic, and said that the final pathology report showed spots of cancer. Six weeks later they went back in and did the staging - 26 lymph nodes and my omentum - and found no cancer. Thank God. Still, I'm currently in chemo for potential micro-metastases.
It's 4am here and I can't sleep again. Sometimes I get claustrophobic being trapped inside this body and condition. In the beginning I was in denial too; and in fact, I still enjoy being there on occasion. Everyone kept telling me to "be positive" and I would think, "it's not happening to you." Being in denial was the closest I could come to being positive. I cried every other day for the first couple of weeks, and off and on for the first month, but now far less frequently. I opted to not take medications (sleeping pills, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, etc.), primarily because they tend to help me escape the moment but the let-down leaves me in a far more emotionally vulnerable state. Besides, this is my life now and I thought I should figure out how to manage it.
Most of the time now I am actively planning on living a long life. A few things are helping me ...
I exercise every day. This has been a lifesaver for me. I walk 2 miles a day in 35 minutes most days, and do 4 miles one day a week. On bad days, I sometimes walk twice. It makes me sweat, it releases endorphins, and it makes me feel like I'm healthy and alive. Cancer also hates oxygen so I feel as though I'm making life difficult for any cancer cells in my body.
I am reading. I would suggest reading Lance Armstrong's book, "It Not About the Bike." He was only 25 when he was diagnosed with cancer. By the time he was diagnosed, his cancer had metastasized to his lungs and his brain - he was stage 3. The doctors gave him a 20% chance of survival, and they were being optimistic. Twelve years later he is cancer free and seven time winner of the Tour de France. In his book he shares the fears and tears of his journey.
I have made radical changes to my diet after reading two cancer diet books. One is "Anticancer: A New Way of Life" by David Servan-Schreiber. I bought a juicer. I don't eat sugars, fats, alcohol, coffee, or anything refined, and only organic vegetables - lots of them, and I drink so much water I splash. I especially liked this book because David Servan-Schreiber discusses the emotional challenges with cancer as well as physical. It made me feel less alone. The book begins with positive stories about cancer patients, for example, one man was diagnosed with a cancer with an average life expectancy of 8 months. The man went on to live over 20 years and died of something else.
And finally, I pray. I read the Bible, which is admittedly not easy for me; it's confusing and a little dry at times, but I keep on. I try to give my fears and trust to Jesus, but it sometimes feels as though he tosses them right back. Sometimes though, I feel a tremendous peace. I haven't always been the best Christian (gross understatement) but once after I was diagnosed, I met a woman at the doctor's office. She could see the fear and anxiety in my face and she came to me and hugged me. I didn't even know this woman but she held me and prayed the most beautiful, sincere prayer for me. That was the first time in my life I actually felt God. I am the kind of person who needed a palpable experience and that was it for me. Since that day, I have committed my life to Jesus over and over and am trying to become closer to him. So far, my efforts have not been in vain. What great peace I have experienced since my diagnoses, I have experienced when closest to him.
I know your fears are greater than just dying. My children were small once (9 & 7) and I had a scare with a life threatening illness. My only prayers were to survive to raise them and 25 years later, I can still remember that fear. I do know what it's like to have trouble breathing now though. I described myself in those exact words in the first months of my diagnosis. Many nights I would awaken in the dark, wee morning hours, short of breath, panicked, and in a sweat. I would reach over and touch my sleeping husband and make my dog get in bed with me so I could smell her doggie fur. I just wanted to breathe in life. It's been almost four months and it still happens sometimes.
Once you have a better idea of what it is you're facing, you'll know better what you can do to help yourself. Have faith in yourself, in your body (which I know is difficult after something like this), and in God. They can do miracles now with medicine. It can be hard to be positive when you're so scared, but it's easier to be proactive and do everything you can to help your body fight the best battle it can fight. Read, talk to your doctors, be informed.
I will keep you and your babies in my prayers.
God Bless You,
Melinda |
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MontrealMommy
New User
Joined: 16 Sep 2009
Posts: 2
Location: Montreal, qc, ca
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 2:37 pm Post subject: Re: Don't know how to deal with this |
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Thank you both for your words. I'm just so scared for my babies. I just keep seeing my big boy loose his Mommy at 5 or 6 years old, and my baby, who would not even remember me. That is my worst nightmare. It's not dying, or chemo, or operations, it's not being there for my children. It's always been my worst fear, for something to happen to me, and then they'd be without me.
I'm not even worried about my husband! Wives are wives, I mean, he'll hurt, but he can find another woman down the line. Kids can't find a new mother (or father). Anyways, thank you for your kind thoughts. Hopefully, I'll be back here a year from now to post a story with a happy-ending. |
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